I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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