It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
