i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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