smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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