I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
