Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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