and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Randomize
