everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
