Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
