My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
