I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
