Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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