Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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