Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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