Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
