Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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