somebody snuck up and got me drunk
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
