I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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