Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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