I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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