I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
