My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
