im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.