I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.