Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
