her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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