strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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