Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
