Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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