I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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