Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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