thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I wish I could teleport
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
