i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
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He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
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I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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