I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
