if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
