And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
