True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
