The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
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Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
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I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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