Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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