the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
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we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
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I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize