the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
