pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
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its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
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I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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