I CAN MOONWALK!
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
