I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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