My brain says no but my pants say off.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
