i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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