You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
