so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
