hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
