It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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