I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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