When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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