I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
