I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He did a backflip because drugs
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
