Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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