im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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