i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
