I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
