That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
