I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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